Over and Over Again
by meremortal2k3
Summary: Alex is in turmoil over her feelings towards a certain SVU detective. Femslash


Title: Over and Over Again

Pairing: Alex/Olivia

Rating: PG-13

Author's notes: It's been along time since I've written anything so I thought a change might do me good. My girlfriend got me into SVU – thanks, Jenn.

This fic is unbeta'd – all mistakes are my own.

The slender blonde turned at the door to take one last look before she left. Every time she saw them together her heart broke. They were partners. The connection between them ran as deep as the ocean. She was alone.

Alexandra Cabot walked away from the squad room. Her thoughts played over and over in her head. She knew that she should be concentrating on the trial tomorrow but she couldn't at the moment. The detective had captured her heart from the first moment they had met. She had fallen hard and fast.

"Alex."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and stopped. Alex turned. Her breath hitched in her throat as her azure eyes met warm hazel.

"Hey." Detective Benson dropped her hand and smiled. "Didn't you hear me? I was calling you."

Alex glanced down the corridor towards the room she had left. She had been in a world of her own. "I'm sorry, Detective." She took a deep breath to clear her thoughts. "How can I help you?"

Olivia pulled her short leather jacket around herself and smiled again. "I was walking your way and thought we could walk together."

The taller blonde blinked. "Oh … sure … that sounds …nice." Blushing slightly she took another deep breath and rebuked herself mentally for regressing back to an awkward teen.

As they strolled through the police house in silence Alex's thoughts raced. The way he touched her. The way he made her laugh and smile. She wanted to be the one who made Olivia Benson happy. She sighed heavily.

"You okay, Alex?" The brunette hadn't known the other woman for long and their relationship had always been professional but she knew people and she could see that the blonde was being plagued by something. Olivia pushed open the doors to the outside world and held it open for the ADA to exit but Alex had stopped just inside. Brown eyes met blue. "Alex?"

Alexander Cabot swallowed hard as she stared into the eyes of the other woman. She opened her mouth to speak and closed it again. She shook her head. "I'm fine, detective." She stepped through the doors.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Alex poured herself another glass of chardonnay as she kicked off her heels. Dinner with her mother was hell as usual and she was glad to be home. Pulling her blouse from her skirt she took her glass of wine out onto the balcony. Sipping slowly she took in the lights of the city around her. A cool breeze ruffled her hair as she leaned against the rail.

"Why are you still single, Alexandra?"

They always had the same conversation.

"Why haven't you found yourself a husband, Alexandra?"

Over and over again, her mother asked about Alex's relationships. Over and over again Alex had wanted to tell her mother that there would never be a husband but she couldn't. It was hard enough being a female Cabot with ambitions. She was lonely enough as it was without being disowned by her family.

Alex sighed and let her thoughts drift away from her mother. It didn't take long for them to settle on Olivia Benson. "Why do I do this to myself?" She whispered into the night, closing her eyes. Pushing away from the rail, the blonde gulped at the rest of her wine and turned to go back inside.

Padding through her apartment she switched off the lamp next to the sofa. Placing her wine glass in the sink she flicked at the kitchen light switch, plunging the room into darkness. She grabbed for her briefcase from the hall before heading towards her bedroom. Alex dropped the case onto her bed. Unbuttoning the buttons to her pale blue blouse she walked into the bathroom. Pulling the cord for the small light above the mirror she reached for the cigarette lighter she kept on the side of the bathtub and lit a couple of the thick candles dotted around the small room. Alex turned the faucets and placed the plug in the hole. Squirting in a small amount of Jasmine scented bubble bath she spun and shut the bathroom door.

Alex's eyes flickered closed as she eased her blouse from her shoulders. The sensual aroma of sweet flowers enveloped her. The blonde's fingers drifted to the side fastening of her dark skirt, ghosting over her smooth flesh as they did so. She tried in vain to keep her eyes closed as she pushed down her own skirt and panties. Standing in just her pastel blue bra she reached for the front opening clasp and snapped it. Letting the garments gather on the floor Alex tested the bath water with a swirl of her hand. Perfect. She stepped into the steaming bubbles and sighed. Sinking into the water up to her chin, Alex let her eyelids drift down again. "Olivia." She breathed into the steam.

Over and over again she pictured the brunette. Olivia's smile. Olivia's laugh. Bright chocolate coloured orbs looking deep into her own cerulean eyes. Strong slender fingers in her hair and around her waist.

Alex swallowed hard as she let her mind wonder.

A lithe body pressed against her own. The taste of her lips.

The blonde flicked a tongue over her lips and shifted slightly in the water. Her hands began to trail over soft curves setting her sensitive skin on fire. She tried to imagine her hands being a little larger and rougher as she let her fingers dance.

"Why are you still single, Alexandra?"

Alex grimaced as her mothers voice drifted into her thoughts.

"Why haven't you found yourself a husband, Alexandra?"

The blonde moved her hand lower. Snatching her hand away from it destination she groaned and slapped at the water as the door bell chimed. Stilling herself, Alex was tempted to ignore the intrusion and carry on with her bath. The door bell sounded again. Shaking herself out of her crazy thoughts, Alex stood and let the water run from her body. She grabbed for her fluffy bathrobe and wrapped it around her dripping form.

"Just a second." She yelled as she slipped on a pair of slippers and dashed out of the bathroom towards the front door. Snapping the lock open she yanked at the door with a scowl on her face. "Detective Munch, what are you doing here?" To say that she was surprised to see the quirky detective was an understatement.

"Ms. Cabot." Munch smirked as he cast an appreciative eye over the half naked woman in front of him. "Were you expecting someone else?"

Alex's fine brows knitted into a frown. "I wasn't expecting anyone, Detective. Would you care to explain what you're doing here?"

"You gonna let me in first?"

"No." The ADA snapped, her anger at having her bath interrupted evident.

John Munch couldn't hide the smirk. "Okkaaay then." Leaning forward he lowered his voice so that no one but the damp blonde could hear him. "I know how you feel about Detective Benson and I want to help you."

"Excuse me." Alex almost choked on her words.

"Let me in and I'll explain."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"You have deduced from a few glances that I have feelings for detective Benson." Alex paced the wooden floor in front of where the eccentric detective sat.

"Yes." Munch affirmed. "I'd have to be blind not to notice the way you look at Olivia."

The blonde attorney crossed her arms over her chest and glared. She was about to rip the man opposite a new one before denying everything but he had already started to speak again.

"And if I'm correct, I'd say that the delectable Olivia wouldn't be opposed to any advances if you should make them."

Alex froze. "What do you mean?"

John Munch began to chuckle. It had always been clear that sparks fly every time the ADA and detective were together; he was just surprised that no one else had ever noticed the subtext. "Benson isn't as unobtainable as you think, Ms. Cabot."

Alexandra ran slender fingers through her mussed hair. She turned away from the detective. Closing her eyes she remembered her limited exchanges with Olivia Benson, trying to think of anything that would make her believe that what Munch was saying was at least a possibility. To Alex there was nothing. If anything, Olivia's interaction with detective Stabler would suggest a less than professional relationship and that made Alex's heart clench.

"Get out Detective Munch." Alexandra finally turned back around.

John Munch shook his head as he stood up. "I'll never understand the female of the species." He shrugged his shoulders. "Trust me, Ms. Cabot, Olivia feels the same way."

"I said get out detective." Alex lowered her voice. She waited for the man to leave her home before she sunk to the floor and began to cry. Over and over again her thoughts of Olivia and detective Stabler stabbed at her heart. The way he touched her. The way he made her smile. The way he kissed her and held her. Olivia Benson would never be hers and she knew it … Olivia was his.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

ADA Alexandra Cabot took a deep breath as she pushed through the heavy courthouse doors. She felt like crap. She hadn't slept and concentrating on work had been almost impossible. She didn't feel like her usual confident self and seeing Detectives Benson and Stabler huddled together by the water fountain was almost enough to send Alex running.

It was all John Munch's fault. If he hadn't have visited and sent her world spinning out of control she could've quite easily gone on like every other day. He had told her that Olivia might actually feel something for her and that thought had kept her awake. It wasn't true though and Alex knew that, but it didn't stop her thinking about the 'what ifs' over and over again. It was all in her head.

"Detectives." The blonde gave Benson and Stabler a courteous nodded as she glided past.

"Alex." Olivia stepped away from her partner and smiled at the other woman. "Morning."

Despite herself, Alex's heart missed a beat at the brunette's warm smile. "Morning." She returned with a small lift of her lips that faltered when she saw Elliot Stabler place his hand on the small of Olivia's back.

"We ready to put this bastard in Riker's, ladies?" Elliot grinned wide.

Pale azure eyes flickered between the two detectives. "Yes." She replied as she spun on a heel and marched into the court room.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

A slender hand slammed the door with a loud crash.

Alexandra Cabot threw her briefcase across the room. She wanted something to hit. She wanted something to drink. Striding quickly across her office she threw open a draw in her desk and pulled out a dusty glass and a bottle of vodka. Spinning the bottle top, Alex yanked it off and let it bounce onto the wood of the desk. Pouring a healthy measure she gulped down the burning liquid.

"Alex."

The blonde turned towards the door as the female voice penetrated the pounding in her head. She poured another drink and offered the glass to the other woman.

Olivia hesitantly stepped forward and accepted the clear liquor. "It wasn't your fault, Alex." She sipped.

"I wasn't prepared." She spoke as she grabbed for another glass. "I should've done better ..." She pointed towards the office door with her drink. "… And it's probably too late now. A rapist is going to go free, Olivia and it's probably too late to change that jury's mind … and it was my fault." Alex could feel the tears of anger prickle at her eyes. She swiped at a stray tear before knocking back another measure of vodka.

Olivia Benson moved around the office and slowly neared the other woman. "None of us were prepared for this. Elliot and I should've seen this coming."

"You and Elliot." Alex spat before she even realised what she was saying. She lifted her red tinged eyes and glared at Olivia. "This has nothing to do with you and Elliot."

"Alex …" The brunette placed her hand on the blonde's arm and tried to tug at her so that they were facing each other. Eventually, Alex turned. Olivia sighed as she swiped a thumb across a tear streaked cheek. She pulled Alex into her and wrapped her arms around the other woman. "What's going on with you?" She whispered into Alex's ear. "This isn't like you at all."

"You don't know me, Olivia." Alex couldn't help herself as she buried her face into the brunette's neck. "You don't know how much it all hurts." She sniffled at the tears.

Olivia pushed the blonde away slightly so that she could look her in the face. "We all know what it's like to lose a perp … to have them walk the streets."

Alex's lip quivered. "You don't get it. You just don't get it."

"Then tell me, sweetheart." Olivia pleaded.

"It's all in my head …" Alex swallowed. "Over and over again and I can't stop it." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I can't go on … not loving you. I can't take it anymore. It plays over and over." She could feel Olivia's dark eyes on her and she felt her body stiffen, but she couldn't stop. "I can't stop thinking of you with him."

"With him?" Olivia managed as she swallowed past the huge lump in her throat.

Alex nodded as she lifted her head slowly. "With Elliot." She whispered as their eyes met.

"Elliot?" Olivia grimaced. "You think that Elliot and I are … Jesus, Alex … Elliot's married." Reaching forward she wiped at Alex's tears as they continued to fall. "What on earth's been going through that mind of yours?"

Alex squeezed her eyes shut.

"Elliot's my partner and that's it." She tucked a stray strand of fine blonde hair away from Alex's pale blue eyes. "Open your eyes, sweetheart." Olivia dipped her head forward and placed a gentle kiss on the other woman's damp cheek. "Open your eyes, please." Her voice was low as she spoke before kissing Alex again. This time her lips touched the corner of the other woman's.

Sparkling sapphire eyes fluttered open. "I don't understand." Alex breathed as lips ghosted across hers.

"I've been thinking about you too, Alex." Olivia pulled away slightly. Placing a gentle finger under the other woman's chin she lifted until their eyes met. "I've been thinking about you over and over. I can't stop thinking about you, sweetheart." She sighed and let her breath tickle Alex's face. "I know how easy it is to get jealous. Why do you think I don't come to watch you in court anymore?"

"Huh?" Pale brows knitted in confusion.

"Taylor." Olivia blushed.

"Richard Taylor?" Alex puzzled. "The Prosecutor? That Richard Taylor?"

Olivia blushed as she thought about her now irrational jealousy over Alex and Taylor. "There were rumours …." The brunette's pink tinge deepened. "You seemed close."

"Rumours?" "Alex grimaced at the thought of being any where near Richard Taylor. "He's a repugnant human being. I would never …" She shuddered.

The detective dipped her eyes. "Munch was going on about love/hate relationships and wild sex ….then pointed out yours and Taylor's relations as being one of the best examples." She didn't look up in time to see the look of disgust on the other woman's face. "Elliot tried to tell me that there was no way you would be with him … but the thoughts were there and I couldn't stop them."

"You were jealous?" It suddenly occurred to Alex that Olivia and been jealous and if not more important, that she had kissed her. "Wait …" Alex took a deep breath. "You kissed me."

Olivia couldn't help the grin that lifted her lips as she gazed into the blue eyes of the other woman. "I've wanted to kiss you since forever, Alex."

"Then kiss me, Olivia … please. I don't want to think about it ever again." She lowered her voice as she leant closer. "I don't want to imagine what your lips feel like against mine ever again, Olivia … I want to know … over and over again I want to know." Alex moistened her lips with a flick of her tongue. She watched as brown eyes closed. She kept her eyes open and watched until the last moment as the beautiful Olivia Benson dipped forward to capture her lips.

She was in love with Olivia and there was no doubt in her mind about it, but now was not the right time for her to tell the other woman. Alex was happy and she was determined to be the one who made Olivia laugh and smile for a very long time to come. As their lips tentatively met again Alex knew that she had a chance and it was a chance that she was going to take. She wasn't going to be lonely anymore.


End file.
